Things I Found Out That Women Like

Many of us are always angry. Life can be very challenging but this is not the place to be angry. This is not a census for angry people.

On Monday morning this week, I called my wife, my sugar baby from the office and promised her 2014 Ford Edge and Sports car. Her driving is not yet even good like that but women like the little things. Women like little things like promising them you will save money for two years and above to buy them good motor; women also like us modern men. We are not interested in changing surname; after all our own surname does not have two heads. We also forbid anything pounded yam because it is against our feminist faith and we wake up at 4:30am every day to go and start boiling water for everybody to bathe as head of home. The things I need to learn are many, because sometimes I stand my ground and say I will not get up from bed to go and boil any water for anybody. Everybody for himself ma! There are consequences for behaving in this reckless manner but I’m having writer’s block now and will touch that aspect another day.

Women also like cuddling. They can tell you in the morning that you were not holding them between 2:30am and 3:00am and that this should not repeat itself. Modern women influenced all these recent publications you now find on the internet on the benefits of cuddling. From nowhere, this same cuddling that some of you were cuddling and failed many exams in University now cures Diabetes, cuddling even now cures depression and back pain. But we know the truth that cuddling causes back pain, sir. Many of you would have observed that Women don’t have all these body pains from cuddling that we the modern men have. How did I not know all these key facts before rushing into marriage?

Children of God, stay with me. I’ve been doing this marriage thing since last year, so expect wisdom to be flying up and down in this write-up, sir.

Marriage is sweet; many of you here have never tasted the joys of having mutual enemy with fine woman or the pain of your wife or husband getting into trouble from not taking your advice and you can’t even tell her but I told you. You will just be acting mature like cool guy. Telling her we both made this mistake together. You even go a step further to accept responsibility for the mistake and promise to improve your leadership skills. But we all know the truth, because in times like that you just want to tell your wife that “you no dey hear word! This woman, you no dey hear word! You see yourself?” But this one too can land you in plenty trouble. You can be reminded of this kind of careless behaviour when your wife is closer to the person sharing the party rice and you are cutting her eye to collect your own. They will just be looking at you to use that your wisdom that you use to give needless advice to make your own party rice happen.

Guys, in the year of our Lord 2015, around that November/December period, I taught my wife to drive. I’m weeping as I type this. I feel like this is my biggest personal achievement yet and I wrote a Masters’ degree thesis on 4D seismology.

Children of God we fought. You know, your wife will be driving and facing big gutter, and you are like let me wait small, this woman cannot be trying to kill all of us. After a period of patient observation, you find that you are right and all of you and your motor will end up in gutter but you cannot tell her to match brake anyhow, it can cause trouble. You calm down and explain to her gently that “honey, it’s like we are facing gutter ma, what are we going to do now, please let us stay on the main road”. But your gentle explanation may not be working fast enough. You have to now scream “woman match brake! Please match brake!” Then commence battle of

I don’t like how you talk to me!

Ah! But you wanted to kill us.

There is no romantic way to tell your wife to match brake immediately and not kill you.

Women don’t always like the way you talk to them. The only time women like how you talk to them is when you are whispering sweet nothings to them. Just be humming and whispering sweet nothing with deep baritone voice. I don’t like to talk at all. I really need to up my game in this talking sweet nothing business.

I’ve noticed that there’s the chance that I may be aggressive. This is different from my attitude problems that almost made them break up with me close to the marriage. I worry sometimes about my children watching me drive, and the kids ganging up with their mother to label me an angry driver. I am not even an angry driver. Sometimes this Lagos driving demon comes upon me and affects the way I behave. I need to start rehearsing how to just say “God bless you” when people vex me on the road. I’m gnashing my teeth as I type this one.

Sometimes this fatherly instinct kicks in. My own will be very strong when I have many children. The father instinct has built this hatred in me for mosquitos and cockroaches. I don’t like mosquitos at all. Sometimes when I’m fighting them with insecticide, my wife has to pull me and rescue me from the house before I kill mosquito and kill her husband. I’m learning to channel this instinct into washing plates and providing other essential services at home.

Brethren, I cannot lie, the past couple of months have really stretched me, not all this laugh we are laughing here. There’s been plenty to think about; from exams, to work pressure, then there’s my younger and only brother, Lieutenant Ayeba, who’s been in Borno state. I imagine that it’s been challenging for many of you too.

When we make the promise to people to love them and always be there for them, it’s usually without recourse to the fact that we might have to stay up some nights worrying about our family, and that friends very close to our hearts might suffer loss, the kind that takes big bites at corners of your soul. Or the nights when you go home after a difficult day at work and after dealing with many difficult people.

I want to close with a very deep quote but nothing comes to mind and Efe no dey let me rest.

My name is Timi, and I love my wife.

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