Aside other parameters there’s also gut feeling! Difficult to explain but read this story:
“His uncle looked at him with a bemused smile. The smile hid behind the lushness of his grey beard. His uncle had always been someone he can relate to, talk to. Nothing he says seems to shock him. He’s the go to in the family, the bridge between the older generation and the younger generation. He has a way of setting you right without sermonizing, or imposing, or instructing. You just feel comfortable with him, feel you can tell him anything. The other older family members are not like that. Guess Uncle Seyi has a gift.
Kind of reminds you about his wife, a matron in a hospital. HER gift is velvety injection. You never feel the prick of the needle, or the withdrawal. She has to announce you’re through. There was the story of the man who complained she administered injection placebo since he felt no pain. To which the attending doctor ordered Novalgin injection, a truculent and sadistic painkiller. The dull pain of the Novalgin injection elicited praise from the patient however! In some way therefore both his uncle and “aunt” are fitted for each other. Both are talented. One inoculates your body painlessly while the other inoculates your heart with comfort. But Aunty Kemi is beautiful. Love wasn’t blind for Uncle Seyi. His eyes were peeled open, shining like a lantern. To transliterate an African proverb, he took his eyes along to the market.
His uncle stroked his beard as he contemplated how to answer the young man. He can appreciate the young man’s dilemma. His parents divorced when he was barely ten; he doesn’t want to make the same mistake. As much as he loves his parents he knows they were ill suited for each other. The marriage should not have been. His father is the caring type… Has a generous disposition. But his mum… She needs to be reflected upon. She can be eventful, and that’s not an isolated opinion. She’s adamantine. When one party’s disposition is at variance with the other party’s inclination, both should think twice about marrying. And marriage becomes burdensome when either party is unyielding, obstinate or opinionated.
His uncle looked east, pursing his lips in cranial reflection. The sun wore a negligee as it filtered through the lightness of the curtain. This generation, his uncle thought: It’s an Adamic generation. Does not understand shame. Totally uninhibited, expressive… this generation is just like Adam… Unashamed! “You know how I knew my wife was the one for me?” his uncle asked, re-arresting his attention. “I don’t know if there are any fast rules but I had this gut feeling. Sucks you from the inside.” “Gut feeling?” “Yeah, gut feeling, on the inside.” “Never heard of that!” “You just know. There’s a knowing on the inside of you. It’s visceral, has a kick. You just know. When you question it, the knowing replies you in a quiet but firm affirmative. You can’t explain it but you KNOW that THIS is the woman for you!
If you’re trying to force it or argue with your head, chances are you’re trying to justify something. Or you’re elevating some feature as justification; but you don’t marry a feature, you marry a complete individual. If she’s incompatible with your guts, or you’re giving yourself headache, or repeatedly trying to redirect your decision… If you’re trying to use a lot of effort to reconcile yourself to her as choice, chances are she’s not the one. There will just be this contrariness on the inside of you. “Her facts” will be “aloof” to you. It would seem like she’s going in another direction while you’re trying to orient her towards you inside. There’ll be this dissonance. To proceed you have to act against your own strength. You can’t explain it. You just know your destinies are contrary one to another.
And you know what we do when we know something is not right for us but we want it? We keep revisiting the issue inside of us, trying to wear it down millimetre by millimetre. We keep trying to persuade our inside to consider one or two features of the lady. You may be trying to concentrate on being sexually attracted to her, just to hold you and make you want her. You imagine scenarios in your head but those scenarios seem to go only a little far. They seem like orphan scenarios. You’ll be using considerable energy to try and force your proposition into reality. You’re acting against yourself!
I know it all sounds so weird but intuition is weird. It’s inner knowledge; it’s more knowledgeable than our senses. This inner “knowing” is God’s gift to us. But we often act against it. And so the relationship is a strain inside you from the very beginning. That’s a sign of trouble. Both of you will know you’re forcing the relationship. You’ll go through the motions but it will all be mechanistic. Oh, you’ll do all the things lovers do – dutiful acts. But a part of you, a “third of you” will be doubtful. When you’re alone by yourself doubts will come; but you’ll be afraid to lose all your “consolidation” and efforts.
Rule of thumb: Once it’s problematic or giving you headache, you’re trying to force it. BUT, if she’s THE ONE – everything will seem so organic, effortless. It would seem you’ve known her forever… Like she’s someone who’s a part of you. She’ll relate to you effortlessly, with gentle accents of grace. No matter what test you set, she will pass it without being aware. The integrity of her heart will scale those tests. And she will seem to have a gift on how to take care of you. She’ll be absorbent about you. Nothing will be a “duty”. Many times you’ll wonder about her. It’ll all seem so surreal. No arguments in your head. She’s not trying to impress you. She’s just herself, doing all those things without compunction. And she knows you’re for her. Women often know these things before men do.
I’m not sure that other lady is for you… the one I met that day? She’s TRYING to do things… She’s DOING things. I know you’re considering all the things she can give you… but don’t sell your birthright for a mess of pottage.
However, Laide… she just seems natural. (I’m just telling you my observation… Afterall, I’m just an innocent uncle!)”
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