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To the Nigerian Man who Wants to Marry a Virgin

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This virginity thing. It seems a big issue for you. And it’s generating awkward contradictions in you. It’s the hidden reason you’re struggling with your emotions. You’re conflicted inside because you know you have no standing.

Okay, here’s the thing: In life, you must learn to use appropriate yardstick to judge and determine issues. You don’t use a ruler for example to measure the purity of water. That’s an inappropriate instrument though a measurement. Neither do you use a stethoscope to measure the pressure of a tyre. It’s a wrong pressure gauge. In the same manner, you can’t use dutifulness in church as parameter to determine the suitability of a conjugal prospect. It can serve as corroborative factor or even corroborant, but it cannot be the primary basis of consideration. A good church worker is not necessarily going to be a good wife, though the word “good” is common. Two separate issues. I mean, that she can sing down the heavens doesn’t mean she will make you a good wife. Vocal dexterity is not qualification for coupling. Choir is not a marriage context. If you base your marriage decision on her ability to sing, you’re clearly using a wrong means of measurement. A singing voice for example cannot help you determine if she’s clean or a relative of Unhygienix of Asterix fame. That’s how people arrive at wrong marital decisions. They use wrong parameters. And such a mistake can prove very costly to a man in particular.

Now let’s come to your issue. You want to marry a virgin. But there’s an inherent contradiction in your quest. You can’t test her virginity unless you sleep with her, in which case she’ll no longer be and you won’t marry a virgin. The truth is, all you have is her word. It’s what she says she is that she is at this stage of your relationship. You can’t even verify her word without compromising your faith. Now, here’s the irony of your quest for a virgin wife: You’re not a virgin yourself. At some point before you embraced your faith you engaged in sexual congresses. In other words, you have a past. In the same vein, she also has a past. But you’re willing to embrace your past but not hers.

As per your wife you want to be the man who “hit it first”, but tell me, the women you hit first who’ll marry those? In essence you can’t take what you dished out. The idea of someone being there before you consternates you. You can’t handle it, ironically. The reason she’s not giving you the confirmation you want on her virgin status is probably because she’s not. She likes you, wants you, but you’ve put impediment on progress: demanded for something she can’t amend retroactively. And so she can’t lie about her past, and she can’t tell you the truth either. Stalemate. You somehow think that her non-virginal status is indicative of a colourful and flavourful past. Perhaps. Same applies to you I guess. But you’ve not told me who she really is, just her sexual history. You didn’t indicate if she’s a loving and kindhearted woman. Whether or not she’s caring. You’ve not told me whether she’s trustworthy, whether she’s someone you can entrust your life to. And it’s not as if you’re accusing her of promiscuity. So the broken hymen just indicates she’s had sex in the past.

What I’m trying to say is, virginity is really not a test of whether someone will make you a good wife. You’re using a ruler to measure tyre pressure. Now if virginity is a psychological barrier for you, I’d say don’t go into marriage with her. You’ll keep judging her in the present because you can’t deal with her past. I’ll advice you keep your imagination in check. Stop imagining someone in the past on top of her. It’s unhelpful. But you have to reconcile yourself to the possibility you may not marry a virgin. Being real! Learn to be real in life. Your generation is very experimental with sex, and sexual imagery is so pervasive. Your music videos are highly suggestive. Think Anaconda. You’re being conditioned to accept raw sexuality. That conditioning generates results. Makes kids want to experiment with sex.

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Be careful that your quest for virginity doesn’t make you miss a very wonderful and loving woman. Perhaps the first thing you ought to consider is what you want in a wife, what should you want in a wife. If this woman meets your criteria of a good wife to you I’d say go for her. You don’t want to regret not marrying her. If you marry an alternate, note that the virginity qualification will end on your wedding night. Then the marriage begins. You don’t want a wife who qualifies for only the wedding night do you? What happens in the days and years ahead? The faith you avow is very much anchored on Paul’s immortal words: If any man (or woman) be in Christ, he or she is a new creature. Old things have passed away. All things have become new. It’s either you’re going to accept God’s word concerning this lady or not. The decision is yours.

If you don’t however, that will be most unfortunate. I’m sure you’ve read about Pharisees. They were fond of using differing standards- one for themselves, another for others. Jesus had a running battle with those guys. You’re not a Pharisee are you? You can’t judge this lady by one set of standards and use another for yourself. It’s pharisaic.

 

Featured Image Credit: Caters News Agency|Ms Duguid

Follow Leke Alder on Twitter: @lekealder

 

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