relantionships

Letter to the Young Man Who is Masturbating to Avoid Pre-Marital Sex

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Dear Jack, I do laud your desire to maintain the no premarital sex stance. That’s an article of your faith. Never apologize for your values. Stand for what you believe in. Moreso in an age of moral relativism. I do not agree with moral relativism. I actually believe it’s a dangerous philosophy. Moral relativism says that ethical standards and morality, the idea of right and wrong are subject to the individual. But how can society then stand? Upon whose values will the courts for instance assign guilt?

There are things in life that cannot be relative. Fashion taste may be relative but not truth for instance. There is an inherent contradiction and illogicality in the relativity of truth. The moment truth becomes relative it ceases to be truth. And if we can all decide what is right and wrong, by which standards do we then judge the actions of others? Moral relativism vitiates the very notion of right and wrong. Nothing can be wrong. And if nothing can be wrong then nothing can be right. And anyway, relativism presupposes an absolute as a concept, or relativism itself will not exist.

But let’s leave philosophizing. I’m just saying I applaud your desire to stand for what you believe in. My worry though is the masturbation issue – your desire to use masturbation as interim ameliorator until marriage. It’s not the way to handle the pressure of abstinence. It’s a dangerous practice. It can lead to addiction. Ninety percent of the therapy bookings on jacknjillive.com are cases of addiction to masturbation and pornography. And the mails I get from all over on addiction to masturbation and porn should scare anyone. Some marriages are in trouble as a result of unresolved addiction to porn and masturbation. Of course the porn industry won’t tell you the truth about the danger of addiction to porn. That’s like cigarette makers putting a cancer-warning label on cigarette packs. Massive exposure to porn actually rewires the brain. It’s why getting out of the addiction can prove so difficult. One of the side effects of addiction to masturbation and porn is actually erectile dysfunction. I have mails from those who suffer from this ailment. And addiction to porn and masturbation opens you up to so many other things. It just opens you up.
Perhaps the greatest danger about addiction to porn and masturbation is that it alienates intimacy. You won’t find satisfaction in sexual liaison with your spouse again. Copulative sex becomes mechanical routine. It won’t satisfy. After sex with your spouse you’ll still have to resort to masturbation for fulfillment and satisfaction. It’s because of the many mails on addiction I got from all over that we decided to set up the Jack & Jil Therapy platform. Some people think that marriage will end addiction to porn and masturbation but it does not. It cannot! They imagine that after years of masturbation from lack of sex, the sex in marriage will erase the need for masturbation. But I get mails from married people who are addicted to porn and masturbation. Married people find themselves in that cul de sac sometimes because the sex in the marriage has stopped. Or the masturbation is a carryover from before the marriage. Or the sex in the marriage is unsatisfactory. For this, and several other reasons it is important for the sex in a marriage to be satisfactory. It is actually wise to seek therapy for addiction to masturbation before marriage. There’s a looming intimacy crisis. Marriage can’t cure addiction to porn and masturbation. There’s a need for therapy and treatment. And I’m actually surprised your church is quiet on these issues. These are big issues, REAL issues!
 
I’ll also like you to know something quite disturbing. One or two people who wrote me about addiction to porn and masturbation also expressed suicidal thought. And I can see how that can come about. They probably went into depression from the difficulty of self-deliverance. But it’s like any other addiction – drugs, alcohol… The addicted needs professional help. I’m going to have a meeting with our partner therapists and psychologists to see how we can bring deliverance to many. Now you see the danger of resorting to porn and masturbation to ameliorate sexual pressure. It will turn you into a slave to your lusts. It will affect your future marriage. There are some things better not started. There are lines better not crossed. Every line you cross in life becomes temptation to you.
 
As to “technical virginity” I really don’t get it. Anal sex is sex. Seems this “technical virginity” thing means lack of vaginal sex. But sex is sex, be it vaginal or anal sex. I’ve told you that the sexual drive is potent. You shouldn’t mess around with it. Don’t underestimate it. I’m just saying you need discipline before marriage, and you need discipline after marriage. Sex is a very powerful impulse, a very strong drive. Don’t let it drive you, it’s a bad driver.
 
As for the friend you wrote me about, direct him to www.jacknjillive.com/therapy for his addiction. We have 13 highly qualified partner psychologists and therapists on that platform. Specialists in different fields. He should go to www.jacknjillive.com/therapy and read the bios of the therapists, and choose anyone he’s comfortable with. All these people have graciously volunteered their practice to help others. They’re not being paid. When he makes a booking he will get a confirmation mail. He should expect another mail with a number to call. The therapists are professionals and the sessions are totally confidential. He should make sure he calls the number. The man who maintains radio silence about his ailment will suffer in radio silence with his ailment. We should all learn to seek the help we need.
Culled from a series of tweets tagged #jacknjillive by Leke Alder. Follow him on twitter at @lekealder.

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