relantionships

Letter to the Man Who is Scared of Commitment

thinking man

Without commitment it’s just not going to work. I’m talking about committing your “self” to the relationship, not just being in a relationship. There’s a difference between being in a relationship and being committed to a relationship. In one, you’re in the belly of the train, but in the other, you’re in the driver’s cabin making determinations with your partner Another analogy is shareholding. You can be a symbolic shareholder in a relationship, or a major stock investor. A minor stock investor in a relationship can cash out anytime, even at the slightest provocation.

If a pull out of a relationship costs us little or nothing, our emotional investment is minor. If pulling out of a relationship will not cost you emotionally you’re hardly invested, or you’ve diluted your shareholding. But when your “self” is invested in a relationship, it becomes your life and your future. You won’t be able to imagine not being in that relationship, or imagine being with another person. It’s your life. There’ll be no other options, not even the thought of another option. You won’t be able to imagine anything else. The relationship will be a fait accompli. It just is! Like it’s always been and forever will be.

It’s why you just don’t go into a relationship with anyone. Better to wait for the right person for the right reasons. Instead of waiting for the right one, sometimes people go into interim relationships. Sometimes out of desperation. The only problem is, an interim relationship can become permanent site by reason of convention and time elapsed. And that’s how you get stuck in what you really don’t want. That’s how you get to “manage” a relationship. When we get stuck in what is supposed to be an interim relationship, resentment develops. That’s because she’s not who you really want. You’re just using her as interim gap filler until she who is desired comes. Making people interim pleasure administrators is a rather dangerous thing to do. Someone’s going to end up bitter. Especially if the lady is unaware she’s an interim measure. Be careful about a woman’s emotion. And it’s worse if the girl has moved in, like in one or two cases I came across. Then ejection becomes an issue. If you don’t feel someone is the right person for you, better not to date the person. You will end up treating her badly. And you can’t be committed to a relationship or future you don’t believe in.

Commitment means you can’t imagine a future without that person, and she can’t imagine one without you. A woman’s decision-making architecture makes commitment a non-issue for women. Unlike men, women use deductive analysis: “I want a man who’s this, this, and that. John is this, this, and that, therefore I want John.” Simple! Men use rationalization. They start a relationship and begin to look for rationalization. A man always seeks to rationalize his choice. He justifies his imperfect decisions, fobs the figure till he convinces himself. His need to justify the relationship can affect the commitment timetable. Some begin to dilly-dally. This of course creates an imbalance in the relationship. The lady is committed but the man is not. And so for the girl, it’s like being in a relationship yet outside one. Everything will be “forced.” By the time the man arrives at commitment, the lady might then have moved on. Then the man becomes emotionally violent.

There’s also the problem of an uncommitted party who insists on latching on to all the benefits of a relationship. And if the girl holds back to hedge her bet, he becomes frustrated, sometimes acutely frustrated. His selfishness, and even self-centeredness prevents him from understanding why the girl would hold back. It would seem ironical that an uncommitted person is demanding devoted exclusivity. You can’t demand commitment and not be committed, or be ready to commit. That’s full of contradiction. The other party has a right to hedge her bet, for the sake of her heart. And she has a right to review the relationship.

If a lady is right for you, you having ticked all your boxes, why are you not committing? It’s almost like being smart! And some people think they have all the time in the world, and that all options will always be available. Until someone smarter and sharper snatches the prize away. Then there are regrets. If you keep dilly-dallying over a wonderful choice, you may lose her to someone with good optics who sees what you can’t see. If you don’t commit, you may lose her to a man with sharp instincts who understands value. That’s usually the issue in a relationship in which a guy compares his new girlfriend to an old girlfriend. It’s sometimes because he lost his last girlfriend to non-commitment. He wouldn’t commit so she walked. Life demands commitment.

Some women knowing what they want and exercising faith make a huge commitment, even when the man is not committed. It just means she can see what he can’t see, and to be honest women are more perceptive in these things. A woman tends to “know” what would happen faster than a man. She can sense a relationship faster. But of course it’s one thing for a woman to want you, and it’s another she’s the right one for you. Judge for yourself. You must consider fit in a marital equation. Some people don’t fit no matter how hard you try. Let it go.

Without commitment, you won’t invest emotionally in a relationship. Or even financially, as you should. Without commitment, you’ll hedge something as basic as the kind of card you send on valentine. Without commitment, you’ll avoid sentimental words in birthday cards. You’ll watch out for the words. Without commitment, you won’t buy her the present she deserves on her birthday. You’ll hedge your financial outlay. And without commitment, you’ll seek to keep the relationship under the radar. You’ll be dismissive in public. And that’s not a nice place for a lady to be – when your boyfriend can’t fully identify with you in public.

My advice is simple: if you see something good don’t lose it. And if a woman gives you joy in the ethereal compartments of your heart, better think twice about losing her. I wish you the best in your matrimonial endeavour.

 

 

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